More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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