I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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