just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
