She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
