...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
