So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
