You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize