I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
