Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
