Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize