Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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