guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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