He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
