Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
