True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
It's shark week go big or go home
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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