I am spending my child support on dildos
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
try to milk me bitch
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
