Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
