Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
