i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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