I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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