I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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