Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
