is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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