I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
