My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
