Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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