Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
