Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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