I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
