so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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