I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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