My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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