i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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