I hate your face
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
