I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
