I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
