he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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