I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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