you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I need moral support for this bender
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
