Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
sex in a hospital.. check
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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