don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
