Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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