I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
