He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
