remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
