So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
