Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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