drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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