did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
