Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
