I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
