he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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