I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
