When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
