doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
