why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
